Across Northwest Indiana, sadly, one does not have to look too far to find a story of domestic and or sexual violence in our community. These tragic stories often take the form of a dramatic episode, a visible injury, a clear villain, and a clear victim. But for most survivors in our community, domestic violence doesn’t look like a headline. It looks like a Tuesday. It looks like a text message. It looks like being told, for the thousandth time, that you’re lucky anyone loves you at all.
Understanding what domestic violence actually is, what it can look like, and how to spot it are the most important things our community can do to support survivors and prevent harm.
The Myths That Get in the Way
Perhaps the most harmful myth is that domestic violence is mainly physical; this isn’t always true. Physical abuse is one form of domestic violence, but there are survivors who face little to no physical violence while still living in deeply unsafe and controlling environments. Another common myth is that abuse only occurs in certain types of relationships or families, that it’s a problem linked to poverty, substance use, or lack of education. The data shows a different picture. Domestic violence happens across all income levels, races, ethnicities, religions, ages, and types of intimate relationships. In Indiana, 3 out of every 5 women in our state experience domestic violence, but domestic violence is not only subject to women; men experience domestic violence as well, with 1 in 4 men in Indiana experiencing domestic violence.
We also hear, more often than we should, some version of the question: “Why didn’t they just leave?” That question, though usually well-intentioned, reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of how abuse works. We want to build greater understanding within our community and beyond because domestic violence is sneaky in some cases, and can look very different depending on the circumstances.
Abuse Takes Many Forms
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. That pattern can include physical violence, but it just as often includes:
Emotional and psychological abuse: Manipulation, humiliation, constant criticism, gaslighting, and tactics designed to make a survivor doubt their own reality and sense of worth.
Financial abuse: Controlling access to money, sabotaging employment, running up debt in a survivor’s name, or creating complete financial dependence as a means of control.
Sexual abuse: Coercion, manipulation, or force within an intimate relationship. Intimate partner sexual violence is common and profoundly underreported.
Digital and technological abuse: Monitoring devices, controlling social media accounts, using GPS tracking, or weaponizing intimate images. This form of abuse has grown significantly and is a real and serious threat to survivor safety.
Isolation: Systematically cutting a survivor off from friends, family, and support systems until the abusive partner becomes their entire world.
Understanding the full spectrum of abuse matters because survivors themselves sometimes don’t recognize what is happening to them as abuse, especially in cases where there is no physical violence. That confusion is not the survivor’s failure. It is a direct result of how abuse is designed to work.
Why Survivors Stay and Why That’s the Wrong Question
Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a survivor. Research consistently shows that the period immediately after leaving is when the risk of serious injury or death is highest. According to a report published in the National Institute of Health entitled, Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationships from a Public Health Perspective, “Research data pointed out that leaving the relationship with the partner often does not stop the abuse. Many perpetrators continue to harass, stalk, and harm the victim long after she has left him, sometimes even resulting in someone’s death. In one U.S. study, 70 per cent of reported injuries from domestic violence occurred after the separation of the couple.”
Asking why someone stays frames the problem around the survivor’s choices rather than the abuser’s behavior, and it puts the responsibility for ending the abuse in the wrong place entirely.
Beyond safety, the reasons survivors stay are complex and deeply human. Many still love their partner or the person their partner used to be. Many share children, finances, a home, or a life that cannot simply be walked away from. Abusers often work to isolate survivors from the people and resources that could help them leave. Housing insecurity, disability, and lack of access to childcare or income are all real and valid barriers. Faith communities and cultural expectations can add additional layers of complexity.
When the community asks, “Why didn’t they leave?” we are asking the wrong question. The right question is: what did this person need that they didn’t have access to? That question leads somewhere useful. It leads to the work our community can do together.
The Role of Our Community
Domestic violence does not happen in a vacuum, and it cannot be addressed by advocates and shelters alone. Every person in this community has a role to play.
It means believing survivors when they come forward the first time, without conditions. It means understanding that recanting or returning to a relationship does not mean the abuse didn’t happen; it often means a survivor is navigating an incredibly complex situation with the resources available to them. It means speaking up when we see controlling behavior, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means not treating abuse as a private family matter that outsiders shouldn’t interfere with.
It also means supporting the organizations and systems that survivors rely on, funding shelters like ours at Stepping Stone Shelter, advocating for policies that protect survivors, and creating workplaces, faith communities, and neighborhoods where people feel safe enough to seek help.
Domestic violence thrives in silence and isolation. An informed, engaged community is one of the most powerful forces we have against it.
If something in this post resonates with your own experience or someone you care about, we are here. Reaching out doesn’t commit you to anything. It just means you don’t have to carry this alone.
To reach our confidential helpline, call or text 1-219-879-4615. Chat options are available on our Facebook page. All contacts are free and confidential.
